Yesterday was the American Mother’s Day. All around – Twitter, Facebook, blogs, and commercials – all we heard was about moms. How great they are, how important they are. How everyone’s mom is the best.

I don’t know where I was last year on Mother’s Day. I don’t remember feeling the sadness and emptiness than I do now. It would have been 2 months after she died. So if last year it just slid by, why didn’t it this year?

Somehow, this year it was harder. I actually ended up filtering out all of the tweets that my friends mentioned “mom” or “mother’s day” in. I just couldn’t handle it. I’ve previously mentioned how my mood goes through swings. I’m usually OK, but then all I can do it think about my mother and cry. It’s been a couple months since it’s hit me hard, but that’s where I am right now.

No, I don’t feel like going out. No, I don’t feel like talking. Please don’t take it personally. It’s not The Boy’s fault that I’m not meeting people right now, we live together, we handle evenings apart perfectly. I’m just not in the mood.

And yesterday was a slap in the face. When things get bad, I usually convince myself that I am very lucky, that I got to have my mom for 31 years, that she saw me through school, and college, and saw me begin a career that I love. Others haven’t. But yesterday? Yesterday that made NO difference. All I saw was tweets like this one and I just couldn’t control my feelings.

I actually have a Mother’s Day card that I had bought for my mom and never had a chance to give her, and it is SOOO me and her. It’s just laying there, in my nightstand, a card that I will never ever be able to send. I can’t use it for someone else. It’s not a birthday, a bar mitzvah, a wedding, the birth of a child.

There’s a limited supply of people who can receive that card. I had one. And now I have none.

Advertisements