Lately I’ve been feeling like I will never be fully happy. That there will always be something missing, and I don’t know how to go through life like that. That the hole is so big that it can’t be filled, like I’m bleeding out.

I can’t snap out of it. I don’t feel like going out with anyone, I don’t want to see friends, I don’t want to talk – literally. I don’t mean talk about “it” – I literally mean talk.

But that’s clearly not a luxury any of us have. Excluding certain monks, we can’t go through life silently, so it comes down to being forced to talk, forced to converse, and usually forced to pretend everything is OK.

But it isn’t OK, and I can’t make it better – no one can. I’m not suicidal or anything – there’s no need to call the police – but it’s like an abyss that I can’t pull myself out of. It’s not that I don’t have happiness in my life. I do. I have an amazing nephew and incredible niece that I am nuts about, I have wonderful friends, and of course The Boy (I can’t think of a proper adjective).

Lately, all that’s been going through my head is “I wish it were 2006.” 2006, where no one was sick, everyone was alive, and my biggest worry was writing an annoying paper for my masters. I’d like to tell 2006-me to smell life, cause that’s where innocence and happiness is, and I won’t feel that again.

You know that sense that everything is fine? Save it in your memory, cause it’s going to be done in a years’ time, and it’s not coming back.

With 2006-me, though, there is no Boy, and there aren’t so many of the great friends that I acquired over the past few years, as The One Who Calls Me Balls Balls told me (as one of those more recent friends).

So it comes down to an either-or situation. I apparently do not get to have it all, and I’m not talking about wealth. It’s either my mom, or The Boy. It’s either my family, or my friends. It isn’t both. It won’t be both. Ever.

So I’m a broken. I’m a puzzle with a missing piece. You work so hard to put it together, only to find that there’s a piece missing, and whatever you do, the puzzle will never be complete. I just don’t know how to go through life like that, and it’s unfair to everyone else around me as well.

It’s not like I can expect people to hang around unhappiness forever – family, friends, The Boy – and sometimes I wonder when I will pass that point. When will my friends say they can’t remember what my teeth look like? When will The Boy say he can’t live with this shadow of a person? Everyone says, and I keep hoping, that it won’t come to that, but I can’t help but think everyone would be better off without me around as long as I’m like this.