For the past couple of days, I have been trying to make a difficult decision. This isn’t the first difficult decision I’ve made at all – I’ve moved continents, I’ve left jobs that I’ve loved to advance my career, and I’ve dumped friends. Generally speaking, I am a very private person, and I very rarely share my feelings and thoughts with others, be they friends or family.

My family is very close. My sisters told my mom everything – probably more than she wanted to hear. 🙂 I never did. I think when I was growing up she took it personally, but then she accepted that it’s just who I am.

Nonetheless, whenever I was at the “I’m-about-to-explode-because-I-honestly-don’t-know-what-to-do” stage, I would go to her, because even though I never told her much, somehow she just knew me.

Which kinda pissed me off, but kinda made me happy at the same time.

Since yesterday, this decision that I have to make has been making its rounds through my brain, especially during quiet times (car ride to and from work, just before I fall asleep, and bathroom breaks). And last night I suddenly realized:

Nobody knows me anymore.

I realize it’s my fault – I’m incapable of sharing everything about me with anyone. My friends would love for me to share or ask for their advice (which I do, but not for decisions such as these for the most part), but they’ve only known me for a fairly short amount of time.

How is someone supposed to know me as well as someone who knew me for 31 years?

My mom had been unable to talk since December, so effectively any advice she could have given at that point was limited to yes and no. Come the end of January or beginning of February, she was rarely lucid – and then not at all. So you’d think this would have hit me a couple months ago.

But I guess, even though it was clear that there was zero hope, somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I refused to believe it was over until it was over.

And now I’m stuck, needing to make this decision, not knowing how I’m going to make it, even though I have amazing friends who give great advice.

Because nobody knows me anymore.

Update: It seems my dad does know me. He gave me advice I wasn’t expecting. Go, dad.