My friend and coworker recently approached me at work, put her hands on my now-large belly and said, “How’s Mom?”
My immediate reaction was, “Still dead.”
After 10 seconds (which seemed like 10 years), I suddenly realized that she meant me. I was going to be Mom.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not in denial that I’m pregnant or about to have a baby (in about 6.5 weeks, give or take). I’m so excited and absolutely in love with everything happening with my body – even though, as Maroon 5 said, it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I’m excited and scared and can’t wait for Baby to come – and not ready for her at all. But I guess I didn’t think of the verbal repercussions of this life-altering event.
For most women, when they become mothers, the (capitalized) word Mom suddenly has two meanings: Them and their mothers. In my case, though – it’s just me.
I’m not sure how to make the 100% switch – as opposed to joining and sharing the title. This is probably the hardest post I’ve written, not emotionally, but expressively – I can’t quite figure out how to put into words what I am thinking. This coming from the girl who owns a t-shirt that says: “I’m talking and I can’t shut up” – and I’ve earned that shirt fair and square.
Of course I think about my mom a lot now, though I have had very few breakdowns (to the point where I fear that I haven’t dealt with it enough now that Baby is so close to coming). I wish I could share with her everything going on, and my fears (to which she would say that I’m being silly and of course I’ll be a good mom).
And of course everyone says that – my family, my friends, etc. – but I don’t feel reassured. I probably wouldn’t believe her either, but for some reason hearing her say it would be different than everyone else saying it – maybe because she would probably tell me if I would suck, and no one else would.
When I found out I was pregnant, and it had actually sunk in, I suddenly began to cry one day, out of the blue. I was asked by a coworker who walked by what happened, and I said nothing, I just wish my mom were alive so I could tell her, and she said I need to find someone to replace her. She didn’t mean it in a bad way – she meant someone I could go to who I could talk to and ask questions. I do have great people in my life – including my mother in law who I trust blindly – but you can’t replace telling your own mother you are pregnant.
I couldn’t find the words to explain to her how I felt and what I meant – much like now. A friend told me about her motherย who wants to be in the delivery room with her and asked me if I would agree – I have no idea. When my mom died, I couldn’t even fathom being in a relationship, much less be married and with a child. And with her gone, I can’t even imagine what I would want. At this point, it would be like asking me if I would wear boxers or briefs – it isn’t a situation I have ever – nor will I ever – be in, so I can’t even venture a guess. It’s unbelievable to me that I am not sharing this incredible experience with my mom – but I can’t imagine what it would be like to share it with her either.
I look at pictures of her (it’s easier than it was at the beginning, though I still haven’t gotten rid of the images from the last year of her life) and I try to imagine how she felt and what she thought when she was expecting me (I am the oldest). Sometimes my sister can share stories with me that our mom told her, but it doesn’t change the fact that they aren’t coming from her.
In a few weeks’ time, I will start calling myself Mom(my) to a tiny little person (who I will be expecting to keep alive). I won’t be alone in any way – I have the most amazing husband (who thinks these 9 months are way too long) and great sisters and incredible in-laws who I know I can count on 100%, but it doesn’t change the fact that I will still be missing someone huge – the other Mom who should be there, too, sharing the capitalized word with me.
January 28, 2012 at 11:29 pm
I think your feelings are absolutely understandable, and of course there’s no substitute for being able to talk to her face to face, and I don’t think there ever will be.
I wonder if you talk to her in your head, or if you just think– that’s probably what she’d say. I have had bereavement dreams where I was very vividly with either my dad (who died after a short illness when I was 39) or my dearest friend– who died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage when she was 50. But the dream events were never about my present life.
It will still be a bit of time before you start telling your daughter stories of your mother — as I did my daughter of the grandfather she never knew. I know that those stories are an important part of who she is and what she’s carried into her adult life– as are the ones my mother told me of her parents, dead four years before my birth, who were very vivid in my childhood imagination, and who I still feel very great gratitude, respect and affection for, and regret that I never met them.
Good luck with the birth. My daughter was born 2 1/2 years after my father’s death, and I felt in those tumultuous first weeks of welcoming her into the world how very close that experience was to the intensity of the bereavement experience.
January 29, 2012 at 8:45 pm
Thanks ๐ I’m not sure I want to wait and not tell right away, but I have no idea what I will feel later, obviously.
January 29, 2012 at 9:30 pm
I only meant wait in the sense of – she’ll be a good few months old before she starts smiling at retellings of familiar tales. But I also started almost from birth singing to her the song my mum used to sing to me as a little girl: “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”
And when we started looking for and finding pretty stones on beaches I used to say of the prettiest ones she found– that would be a nice one to take to grandpa’s grave (which we visited in Ellul every year.) She began of her own accord to make her own collection of stones and then come Ellul would choose one for me and one for her to take. Some of those stones are still on my dad’s grave over 20 years later.
I was never allowed to visit my grandparents’ graves when I was little (my fathers’ parents were anyway buried in unknown mass murder graves). My dad’s was the first Jewish funeral I attended. She has grown up thinking of it as just part of the family’s traditions of Jewish life– and she knows where her grandparents rest, which I never knew of mine.
January 29, 2012 at 1:42 am
Congrats on your upcoming arrival. Losing a parent is a really tough thing. I’ve read your blog and from what i can tell i think you’ll make a great Mom! My husband has glioblastoma and likely not much longer to live. I still don’t really know exactly how to explain to our kids as they are very young and the thought of raising them all alone scares the life out of me. Good luck with everything. Having kids is magical!
January 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Maureen your story touched me so deeply. I had never thought about how someone would explain your situation to young children before. Thank you for sharing. I send you sincere love strength and courage for the road ahead.
January 29, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Wow, I am so sorry about your husband – I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Sending you hugs.
January 29, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Talia,
I believe I wrote some time ago, when my mom was in the midst of her battle with Stage IV colon cancer…and I just found your blog again this morning, as I lost my mom just about 48 hours ago. I am only a week ahead of you with my pregnancy – due March 3rd – and my heart aches for you…well, for us. Moms! Moms know what they’re doing…and we are total rookies. How can anyone justify giving us such a huge title, especially when we are without our ultimate coach and mentor. I just can’t wrap my brain around it…and I am so torn between the joy of welcoming our daughter into the world and mourning her Nana. So if it’s any consolation, know that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do… Wishing you and your baby all the best.
January 29, 2012 at 8:48 pm
I’m so sorry about your mother. It’s great you have such an exciting event coming up – it’s so close! I feel like time is moving WAY too fast. Lots of luck and have an easy birth.
February 10, 2012 at 2:57 am
Reblogged this on This Grey Matters Blog and commented:
“With all due respect, sir, I believe this is gonna be our finest hour.” very well said indeed!
February 14, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Hi Thalia. I hate to say this, but sadly I know exactly how you feel. I have been reading your blog since my mum was diagnosed with gbm but never felt compelled to write a comment till I read this post.
My mum has since passed away, just last September at the impossibly young age of 58. Like you, I am pregnant now and it feels ridiculous to go through all this without her. It is hard to feel excited about the baby when I am crying my heart out every night.
Just wanted to say that I also cannot imagine someone calling me mummy because there is only one mummy that I know ๐ฆ thanks for writing words that really speak to me and I’m sure others in the same boat out there.
Take care dear.
February 14, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Bee,
You’re definitely not alone. I know it will be different once my little girl is actually here…but now I am just so sad and can’t even imagine being in the hospital holding her, without my mom peeking around the corner with a huge smile on her face. And that’s just the beginning — then come birthdays and school days and a million other moments in between. I’m sure others have told you that she’ll “be there” in spirit — and that’s great and all…but it’s just not the same. Thinking good thoughts for you and your baby.
Jen
April 8, 2012 at 6:04 pm
I hate when people say she’ll be there in spirit. I think it’s nonsense, personally. Have you had your baby yet?
April 8, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Hi Bee,
Sorry for not replying earlier. I was 9 months pregnant and having trouble concentrating for too long on the computer (and I work on a computer all day!)
Have you had your baby yet? Mine came Feb 28. I am about to write about it, actually. Been putting it off.
Unexpectedly, other than a minor breakdown when I realized Baby was coming (a bit early), I was fine. I didn’t cry when she was born and it didn’t take away from the experience – and doesn’t now either, even though I really wish I could get her advice and all.
Hope you and your baby are well.
April 10, 2012 at 12:04 am
My amazing little girl was born on February 26 and, like you, it wasn’t as heartwrenching as I expected. I definitely have my moments when I ache for my mom…to just share this experience with her. But honestly, the supreme joy that I felt when my daughter was born made me realize just how sad I had been for so long as I watched my mom suffer inexplicably…
February 15, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Hi Jen
Thanks for writing. Wow I have not even begun to think about all the coming milestones but I’m sure we will just have to do what we have always done. Just find the strength to carry on no matter how difficult it may be ๐ฆ
Sending love to you and your little girl too
February 15, 2012 at 7:32 pm
Yep…one day at a time. That’s how we got through my mom’s illness and I tell myself it’s the only way to get through the grief. Except sometimes I feel like it’s easier to take it one second at a time — days just get too long!
February 29, 2012 at 7:18 am
Talia,
I just reconnected with my own blog from when my mom was dying w/gbm… I remembered your comment on a mother’s day post and decided to see if your blog was still active. Congrats on your marriage and pregnancy. LOVED the video of your wedding. It all has made me cry tears of happiness for you. Life does go on in spite of our losses… We are delighting in having become grandparents to the most perfect little man to ever grace the planet. He is almost 1! I am becoming my mom(the grandma) in so many ways. I look forward to following your blog as you are soon to become the mom!
In the past year I have walked alongside my only sibling thru breast cancer. Took her teens to a walk for the cure, saw a brother-in-law die from oral cancer metastisized to his brain. Next step for me is to enter training to become a CNA in 2 wks and then look for a job with hospice.
You will be a great mom! Looking forward to future posts. God Bless you!
April 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Hi Pat!
Thanks so much. I’m happy you liked the video, it was a fun wedding. ๐ Congrats on being a grandparent! It’s gotta be the best ๐
I am about to post about my baby girl, actually. Stay tuned. ๐