In no particular order, the following is a top 10 list of things I HATE hearing. They don’t make me feel better, they only piss me off. Most of my friends already have this list memorized, though most of them don’t know this blog exists:
- You’re in my thoughts
- You’re in my prayers
- G-d is with you
- Really, anything involving G-d
- Everything will be OK (Yihiye Beseder)
- This too shall pass
- Everything happens for a reason
- Things get worse before they get better
- Cheer up/smile/anything along those lines (stop trying to make me feel better!)
- Go to your dance classes/go to a party/go out with friends/don’t stay home (I go out all the time, if I’m not in the mood, don’t try to make me.)
- Don’t stop telling me your problems because “they aren’t as bad as mine.” If I don’t want to hear your issues, I won’t answer your phone calls.
Update: Number 12 received its own post.
Daughter of Cancer 
February 26, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Here’s what I want to say – I love you, I’m here. I guess you know both by now… Hope they won’t make it to the list.
February 26, 2009 at 5:35 pm
In your case, often there is nothing TO say. At such times, best thing to do is probably just to shut up and listen.
Gila
February 26, 2009 at 5:35 pm
As in, we should listen to you!
February 26, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I’m guilty of #1. I’ve thought it to be quite innocuous, and it was pretty comforting to me when my mother died suddenly. I shall know now not to say it to you.
But here’s the question — what should I say as a form of acknowledgment? I certainly agree with Gila that I would be there to listen, to be a shoulder or a human tissue box. But what would I say to let you know that I hear you and to keep on emoting the way you feel is best for you? And how would I say it without it sounding ingenuine?
All of this being said — someone very close to me just told me two days ago that he is starting chemo in a matter of weeks for something originally thought to be benign. I know it’s not the same thing that you’re going through, but I’m really scared. I can only imagine that what you’re going through is exponentially worse, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with it.
I’m not saying this to cheer you up; I’m just expressing how I’m feeling this moment.
Thanks for letting me pour all of this out on your blog. From one stranger to another.
February 26, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Hi Shny,
It’s hard to say because I think it’s an individual thing. From comments people have emailed me or tweeted to me, most pretty much agree with the list as-is, the exception being the G-d comments, depending on how religious they consider themselves.
Funnily enough, I don’t think the whole “in my thoughts” thing bothers me as much in cyberspace as it does in real life, but truthfully, everything else you wrote is enough.
That, and Gila is right. There’s really nothing anyone CAN say, and I’m not expecting them to. Lots of people have told me they have no idea what to say, and, in a weird way, that makes me feel better than anything else.
That said, I don’t actually get angry at people when they say it, it angers me on a personal level, but not in a way that affects what I think of the person (as long as they’re genuine).
Really, the only thing that hasn’t angered me at all in any way is when my friends offer themselves for support. Even though I don’t really take advantage of it (which is why I started this blog), I know my friends are ready to come over at any given moment, and that means the world to me.
I am adding a #11 to the list that I can’t believe I forgot: I HATE when people don’t tell me their problems because “What I’m going through is worse.”
February 26, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I’m sending you a cyber-hug if you’ll accept it. I wish there was something I could say or do.
February 26, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I love you very much!
February 27, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Thanks, Rosita đŸ™‚
Ahuva – Thanks. I think I know you from MyShrapnel?
February 27, 2009 at 11:16 pm
[…] cancer, Things I hate hearing | Yesterday I wrote a top 10 (that became 11) list of things I hate hearing. There is actually one more, but it deserves it’s own […]
March 1, 2009 at 1:13 am
Totally relate to #11, and most of the others! I am religious, and I don’t relate to most of the God stuff people throw out there.
That said, I like knowing that I am in people’s thoughts and prayers. I do find that comforting.
March 1, 2009 at 1:20 am
It’s not so much not wanting to know that I’m in people’s thoughts and prayers as much as not wanting to burden them and knowing the prayers won’t do any good anyway. The perfect example: One of my closest friends: http://my-nuggets.blogspot.com/2009/02/when-you-cant-wake-up-to-my-dofc.html
March 1, 2009 at 5:41 pm
You might not want to burden others, but you cannot stop them from feeling the burden of worrying about you and wanting to help.
Sometimes praying is all that someone can do. Even if it no longer makes sense to pray for a refuah, people can still pray for an easy passage into the next world. People pray for you and your mother, because they want to do something (anything).
It’s hard, knowing that there is no “refuah” on the horizon.
I never know how to respond when people wish me a “refuah shlaymah.” Barring a miracle (i.e. discovering the cure to cancer), no one expects me to have a full recovery. The best we can hope for is a long life with cancer. (not a bad option, when you consider the alternative!)
At first, I tried “correcting” people. I don’t anymore. In my case, there is still room to pray for miracles….
At the end of the day, you figure out what works for you.
March 1, 2009 at 5:46 pm
*Sigh* I know. It doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel bad.
Your case and my mom’s are different. My uncle (dad’s brother) has incurable cancer, but he can live a long time with it, albeit with issues and having to have procedures more often than he’d like. Not so in my mom’s case.
I’m wishing you the best, though. Hugs.
March 1, 2009 at 6:20 pm
[…] cheer up, feel better, terminal cancer | Over the last couple of days, I have written about things that people say to me that only make me feel worse. Many of you – both people who know me offline and those who […]
March 2, 2009 at 12:02 am
yeah….
I know that your mom is in a different place.
Thanks.
March 3, 2009 at 7:46 pm
DoC, I guess we do know each other then. I’m an avid reader of MyShrapnel. (more hugs)
May 10, 2009 at 5:25 pm
[…] you start commenting, I’d like to amend my previous lists of things I hate hearing that don’t make me feel better. Most of the things on those lists no longer anger me, though […]
June 18, 2009 at 12:07 pm
[…] his grandfather’s house, and I had no idea what to say. All I could think of were all of the annoying things people would say to me when my mom was dying (and after she died) that never made me feel better and would only anger me. […]
September 1, 2011 at 11:59 pm
cool blog – keep up the writing sytle….
This is a great post – best I’ve seen in quite some time….
March 10, 2012 at 2:04 am
I agree with this post- alot of my friends have been comforting me which I would do with them, but it can get too much and I just want to be left alone
April 11, 2012 at 9:43 pm
draw link…
[…]Things I hate hearing that don’t make me feel better « Daughter of Cancer[…]…
October 14, 2012 at 11:18 pm
I love that list! It shows how people’s heart is to love and encourage those who are suffering. I also love how scripture tells us to suffer well, to not become angry or bitter, to love one another, to encourage one another. God is good.